[dropcap]I[/dropcap]f you’re single, like me, and partial to using certain apps to make life easier – well dating life at least – then you have never had a greater chance of meeting someone. If you don’t use apps like Tinder or Bumble, I’m not sure how you meet people. I’m extremely jealous and wonder what planet you’re from. For us normal people they’ve become vital. Coronavirus (read it like Cardi B yells it) has done something wonderful for singletons. It’s forced more people, who thought they were above resorting to such “measures”, onto the apps and the fruit is ripe for picking! There are more people on dating apps during lockdown than ever before. Thank you COVID-19, thank you lockdown. Now, I might have a chance.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Happy New Year! We all said it. Most of us exclaimed that this was finally going to be “our” year. Aaaah those days, such a fond, distant memory. And then COVID-19 came along and screwed up all our plans. I was going to be a serial dater. It was decided. I wanted to channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw and get my man, hopefully meet a Mr Big along the way. Suddenly, with going out impossible, Tinder was the new club and Bumble the coffeehouse.
With so much hope I would swipe away and get more matches than EVER before. I felt like a queen. It was strange, but I enjoyed it. Being stuck indoors left people with needs, especially those who live alone. We needed human interaction and the loneliness was magnified in every way. So, dating apps offered some solace. I met quite a few really nice guys. Some I even considered meeting up with despite lockdown regulations (I didn’t, though, don’t judge me). At some point, though, every conversation became about one thing: Sex.
Talk dirty to me (from a distance).
There is a place for sexting. I am not here to hate on the concept. We are human and we have needs. If you are in the mood and stuck alone in your house for two months, it can be great. It served me very well a few times, but I want to point out how it can be ridiculous and awkward, by sharing some of my truths. I hereby give you permission to judge me if you laugh a bit while at it.
Most of my girl friends cringe at the thought. “It’s awkward”, they say. “No! I could never do that.”
I thought so too, but I am adventurous, and two months is a long time so I was game.
Most of the conversations started with the guy asking if I was warm and cosy in bed. And then I knew, only one thing would come of that: “What are you wearing?”.
The great thing about sexting is that even if you’re in your ugliest PJ’s – the ones you’ve worn for three days straight – you can lie and say you’re wearing black lacy panties and a t-shirt. They won’t know. And you’re doing them a service really. Who would be turned on by the truth in that situation? So, when it comes to comfort, sexting wins.
Next, they ask what I’m doing. I’m watching Somebody feed Phil on Netflix while eating a toasted cheese and all the chips, but that’s not sexy, so I say: “thinking about you”. Yes, I know I am a genius. Again, points for the comfort factor. Also, lockdown gave me great excuses not to send pics, because “I haven’t’ been allowed to go for a wax in forever” (I love how pandemics give us brilliant excuses for avoiding things we don’t want to do).
You can judge me here for lying so blatantly, but I don’t see it as a lie. I see it as the incredible chance to give the person I am sexting the best experience ever; You could say I’m offering an essential service, really. And if you think about it, he’s probably not “chilling in bed” either, but also eating something ugly and delicious, and speaking to three other girls at the same time.
Before you get on your high horse, this is not a stereotype. I found out that one of the guys I was talking to was in fact also chatting to my colleague’s daughter’s friend. I know. Gross. I’m well aware that Tinder is not a monogamous place, but I don’t want to have to find out about those other pursuits.
I think I’ve pointed out enough positive things for now. Let’s have a look at some of the less fun aspects.
Why have we not come up with better names for vaginas and penises? This was what I struggled with the most. If they said “pussy” I cringed and felt like a porn star. Mood killed. Some would say “v” and that made me feel like they were back in the 9th grade, too scared to say the real word, but to be honest vagina isn’t really sexy either. There were moments that I thought Rocky Flintstone the author of Belinda Blinked had a better vocabulary (If you haven’t listened to the My dad wrote a porno podcast yet, do it now and this will make more sense).
One man wanted to “harass my boobs”. Do you want your boobs harassed? Does any woman? I don’t and I’m pretty sure no man wants that done to his genitals either. Ah, and then the appreciation. He repeatedly said he wanted to “appreciate” various parts of my body. I want you to appreciate my writing, my intellect, but not my body. It is better that being harassed, I think. I’ve met cannibals who wanted to eat me up and guys who basically used the script of 50 shades as a reference. Neither very creative nor sexy.
Following the script.
If you struggle with sexting, I can provide you with a basic script. It seems they all want the same things. To be given head, and to “turn me over and give it to me, hard”. I eventually said the same thing to everyone, so you really can follow a script if you’re feeling awkward about winging it. And if you’re not in the mood and it’s going on for too long, I’ve found that sending a voice note with you moaning does the trick. Unfortunately for us ladies, we know all too well how to fake that.
There was this one man. He was intriguing. He wanted me to get dressed in an outfit, put on make-up and be all sexy. Obviously, I told him I had done all that, but the couch was too comfy (sorry not sorry). Then he disappeared for hours, claiming he had to work. Imagine how disappointed I would’ve been if I had actually dressed up. I was watching a cool movie and that was great, so I’m not really complaining.
To be serious for a bit though, I want to give the men some advice.
It’s much easier for a woman to get off when there is more than just the physical connection. Tell her a bit more about yourself, then the steamy fantasy is a bit easier. Share your feelings and not just your physical needs. I have read, –yes, I did research – that there are men that come up with elaborate narratives to set the scene. I wish I had swiped right on one of those. I think that would help so much. I mentioned earlier that it was great if I was in the mood, and sometimes I went back to the chat when I was and then actually enjoyed it, if you know what I mean.
Sexting, when done right can be great. But with quarantines finally coming to an end, I am glad guys will finally be getting some real action so we can go back to getting to know each other and not just focusing on our physical needs to lessen the loneliness.
Wish me luck with all the guys who are hoping to get some action from me when all this is over, or maybe you should send them some love, ‘cause I doubt that it’ll happen.